What does "family" mean, anyway?

It's that time of year... the holiday time. The time that you're supposed to spend laughing over dinner with your family. Hugging all your aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc. Gathering with your church community for choir programs.  And I'm depressed about all of it.
Don't get me wrong, I'm super-psyched to decorate, and do lots of baking, and try to con Logan into putting lights up. But all the family and church stuff is sort of a hole in my life right now. I miss it alot.
My extended family on my mom's side is pretty big. (She's one of nine kids.) We used to really do it up for Christmas. We had a progressive dinner every Christmas Eve. You know, appetizer-y things at one house, soup and sandwiches at the next, dessert at our house; a crazy night full of food and family. We even had a guy dressed up as Santa to give us one present early. Over the years, our family has pretty much disintegrated. Brothers and sisters don't even speak to eachother anymore. It's all stupid and petty and heartbreaking, and I want my family back. So, last week, I sent out an e-mail to friends and family asking for addresses for Christmas cards. I've gotten three replies from my mom's family. Including my grandparents.
On top of this, I recently made a decision to leave my church. There wasn't really anything there for my daughter's age group, and I was kinda starting to feel like there was a clique I wasn't in there. Case in point, only one person has contacted me to see why I've left.  Finding a church sucks. You'd think, in the middle of the Bible belt, I'd find one in a heartbeat. But most churches are just glossy self-help programs with verses thrown in. Or they're really uptight. Or they keep asking for money. Or they don't have a kids program. You may have figured by now that we're a rather offbeat family. Finding a place to fit in is hard.
So that's two families that I'm missing during this holiday season.
But, what does "family" really mean, anyway?

day 14: a hero that has let you down

i had to think a little about this one. i'm still hesitating as i type... because this one is about my dad. i love my dad. and, even though i still struggle with some of this stuff, his life isn't the same as it was. we have a pretty good relationship. i don't know that i can say he was ever my hero, exactly, but he's my dad. you know how you feel about your parents when you're little, right?
i had a pretty good childhood. nice, normal, church-going, middle-class, parents actually married to eachother. then, one day, when i was about eleven or twelve, i found out that i had a brother. my dad had been married before, and had a son. and i never knew he even existed. the reality of this was lost in the excitement of having a brother of my own. getting to meet him for the first time was incredible. he was so obviously my family.
a couple of years later, i found out there was another son. from another marriage. that was when it started to sink in... my dad didn't stay with those families.
now, i'm a single mom. and my dad hates my daughter's father for being an absentee pseudo father. obviously, with good reason. but inside i sometimes want to shout at him, you did it, too! you walked away, you deprived your sons of their father, and my sister and i of our brothers.
my dad has made a lot of mistakes, and so have i. i love him and i forgive him and i believe that he's been changed by some of his mistakes into a better man. but it still changed the way i see him.
gah, see why i didn't want to write this? i want to delete it. but i won't.

day 8: someone who made my life hell...or treated me like shit.

for those who might be offended, there is a bit of swearing getting ready to happen.
i have a top two for this one. and it's super-cliche. one is an ex, and one is a baby-daddy.
number one, in no particular order: my first boyfriend ever. he was a jerk-face. he made me feel like i was ugly, stupid, and worthless. this guy told me i was fat. ( i weighed about 100 pounds at the time, if you can imagine it.) he would call me to tell me to work out. he told me what to eat. he told me who i could talk to. (no other guys, surprise, surprise.) he made fun of me, laughed at me for not knowing sexual terms that i hope to God my daughter doesn't know at 14. he also told me i ruined every song he liked by singing along with it. and i believed him. why? because i was young, and he told me he loved me. i didn't know people would say that if it wasn't true! worst wake up call ever. however, to tell you the truth, i've forgiven this guy. mostly. i hang on to the memory because i have a daughter, and i am TERRIFIED that someone might treat her that way.
number two asshole: ellie's dad. he is the biggest bastard in the world. if you've been in my life at all for the last ten years, you might know why, but here are a few highlights: when i called him to tell him i was pregnant, he told me that it just wasn't convenient for him. he didn't even f-ing meet ellie till she was TWO YEARS OLD. and when she was almost six, this unspeakably vile person decided to drag me, my daughter, and our entire family, through what is edging on a 4 year long custody battle. this started with him wanting full custody. then he settled for joint custody; we each had her every other week. then he just quit coming to get her. for months. he said he had the swine flu. then we arranged a setting for gradual visitation, and i had full custody. he was supposed to start paying child support, and make payments on his thousands of dollars of back child support. he picked ellie up for a few visits, then actually moved out of state. on a visitation day. without telling me. and without making a single payment, of course. and now he's back. and he wants to see her again. he says that would be what ellie wants. ellie wants a fucking dad, and you don't know how to be one, asshole.
that's probably enough of a rant. sorry. now i feel grumpy. maybe i need to do some kick-boxing or something.

day 7: someone who has made my life worth lving for

person number one in my life is my daughter. i really love her so much. not just because she's my kid and i have to, either. i'm telling you, she's got character. absolutely one of a kind. she's smart. she's funny. she's learning to express herself, and she's got a style all her own. all the other girls love hannah montana, but she thinks icarly is funnier. she likes to watch scary movies. she is a horribly picky eater, but she'll chow down on broccoli, apples, and edamame. she recently decided that she hates pink. she likes to wear things that don't exactly match so she'll look "punkish." but not TOO punkish. she thinks she's very grown up, but she still plays with her littlest pet shop toys in the bath tub. she is stubborn, argumentative, and a know-it-all, and she is the most precious thing in the world to me.
on the days where i'm feeling beat down, she is the reason i get out of bed. every good choice i ever made, i made for her.
person number two in my life is logan. he's the one who told me i was capable of making those choices. he pushes me to make my life better. when i was stuck in another waitressing job, coming home exhausted every night, he was the one who pushed me to get a better job. now he's the one who is pushing me to think about school again. also, he's down for the crazy ideas i come up with. i have him half-way convinced that we could make our own bio-diesel, and he gets excited about learning canning, and beekeeping, and candle-making...
my family makes my life worth living. they make me laugh, they wear me out, they make me try harder the next day. i'm a lucky one.

day 6: never ever gonna do it

being a mom, the first thing that comes to mind that i never want to have to do is bury my child. obviously, this would kill me. it's the thing that i think would make it impossible to keep breathing in and out. but because it's obvious, we'll discuss the OTHER thing i won't do.
i don't ever want to go through a divorce. i'm not saying i think divorce is evil, or that divorced people don't love Jesus. but i know it's hard to parent when you're going through something like that. you end up acting like a teenager sometimes. and i won't do it. now, i can hear you thinking, " sarah, don't you have to be married first? why are you worried about divorce, single girl?" but here's the deal: i'm a single MOM. i've had more than my fair share of relationships as a mom. and some of them have been marriage-minded men. you'd think i'd be grateful for the chance to settle down and be "normal." but my daughter is already a member of the messed up family club. when i settle down, i've gotta be sure. i've gotta pick somebody who is willing to do the hard, messy, and sometimes un-fun work of holding a family together. even when we're not feeling loving. yes, i know everyone tries to do that. but it's harder to let the standard slide even a little when i have ellie holding me accountable. fortunately, i think i'm in that relationship. he's not a perfect guy, but he loves me and my daughter. and we've done some tough work on our lives together. he's my best friend, and he'll help ellie with her homework.
now, he just needs to propose...

day 4: i need to forgive others, you guys.

today i'm supposed to discuss something i need to forgive someone else for. pardon the bad grammar, i didn't write the list :) i'm not going to discuss ex-boyfriends or the baby-daddy, cause, hey, i'm not so cliche. besides, i've forgiven the former, and latter is SOL. so, who do i need to forgive? hang on, we're about to get messy.
i need to forgive my family for being a bunch of basket-cases. i'm not speaking of anyone specific, because this covers ALL my extended family. on both sides. some of them are petty, gossipy, and stubborn. hey, so am i. one in particular has disowned me, and has never even met my daughter. that's a tough one to let go. but does staying resentful affect him at all? no, it only affects me. sounds melodramatic, but i think my bitterness damages my soul. so, i've been making an effort to let it go. i NEED a family. aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, i need you all. not like we need to chat on the phone for hours, or meet for coffee once a week. but that network is important. i've got a friend and church family. but having broken relationships with my blood family is lame. if any of you happen to read this, i really do love you. we've all spent too much time judging each other, picking our family apart. i miss you. even if we don't seem to have anything at all in common, we're family. and surely that counts for more than all the other stuff we've put in between us.