day 23... did absence make your heart grow fonder?

topic today: something i wish i'd done.
well, questions like this suck. cause if i changed my life at all, would i have ellie? would i have met logan?
let's just say, this is the thing i would go back and change if i could still have ellie and logan. i would have gone to college. i probably would have gone to nashville and studied music at belmont, or maybe berklee in boston. i wanted to do it. but i didn't think it was that big of a deal. i also didn't realize how complicated grown-up life really is. sure, i can go back to school as an adult. i can study all kinds of things. i can even get grants and stuff cause i'm a single momma. but when would i fit in time for classes and homework? i work full time, and i can't afford to work less. and of course, my first priority is ellie, and getting her through school... my eighteen year old self had no idea. my eighteen year old self thought she was too freaking punk rock to conform to normal education, or something stupid like that. what a bunch of dumb! how pretentious! on top of it all, now that i'm older and wiser, i have to admit my mother was right about it!
i'm not giving up on my education, but the choices i have before me now are much more complicated than they were when i was younger.
so, kids, go to college and don't smoke.

day 22, slacking as usual

today's topic is something i wish i hadn't done in my life. well, i wish i had never started smoking. or started again, after i had ellie. i am in the process of quitting right now. i am miserable, and angry. i am short-tempered, and bitchy to people i love. because i really want a cigarette. seriously, why have i been willing to let myself be controlled by nicotine for so long? and when i think of the dollars i've wasted... i have been an idiot. no longer! i give up! i will be free of you, evil tobacco! ( i mean, i love you, please don't go!)

let this be a lesson, children. smoking may seem cool, edgy, rebellious, or whatever. but you will get addicted. and it will suck. and that nicotine gum is lousy.

day 21, with delays

today's question/topic is "your best friend is in a car accident right after you fight. what do you do?" i think this is a lame-face question. i'd go straight to the hospital, emergency room, whatever. i'd be there. i'm not twelve. i could never be mad enough that i wouldn't be there for my friend and her family if something awful happened. we've never really been much for fighting, anyway. we had one fight when we were sixteen. about a boy. and we got over it really fast. that's why we're friends. i don't think there is a fight i couldn't forgive and forget. unless it's about my daughter. you hurt my child, i probably won't forgive and forget.
so, yeah, lame question. sorry, i didn't make 'em up. maybe tomorrow will be more interesting...

day 20: my views on drugs and alcohol

hey! this should be a fun one!
well, obviously, drugs and alcohol are bad, right? hm? obviously... here's the deal. i don't think that they should be illegal. up until they started passing laws about this stuff, it was widely recognized that our government didn't have the authority to dictate to us what we could and could not consume. drugs were bought and sold legally. the drugs laws that were passed generally had to do with having a permit to sell and paying taxes and all that. a few laws were passed against opium dens, but they were targeting the chinese specifically. then came prohibition. we all know how that turned out. prohibition could probably get credit for single-handedly organizing crime. but we didn't learn our lesson there. a while later, nixon declared war on drugs. and guess what happened? a dangerous black market grew.
now, i'm not saying drugs are good, but i don't think marijuana can be classed with other drugs. i think we're wasting jail-space if we're making criminals of a bunch of dirty hippies laughing at cartoons and eating captain crunch or whatever. and i'm not saying you should go try some cocaine, or start a nice little heroine habit. not what i'm saying at all. i'm saying that making these things illegal hasn't stopped people from getting them, and now violent groups are smuggling them into our country. maybe we should be looking closer at our methods for eradicating drug use.
i drink. not very often, and not very much. and i don't think there's anything wrong with that. however, i have seen alcohol destroy lives. obviously we should be moderate with anything we consume, french fries as well as beer. and if you're not capable of being moderate, cut that temptation out of your life. i'm sure that, even if you don't recognize that you have a problem, someone who loves you has tried to tell you that they're worried.
i feel like i rambled alot with this post. oh well, you got the general idea.

day 19: my views on religion and politics

geez louisa, this could be a long one. i could keep it simple and say that i'm a Christian, and a conservative, but that leaves so much room to be misunderstood.
first things first: i believe in G-d. not some scary big guy in the sky who wants to punish us all for being bad-- a G-d that loves me and created me for a purpose. One that loves you, too. no matter what kind of fuck up you think you are. i think the evidence that He's there is all around us, like music on the air. people wonder why the world is full of pain and suffering if there is really a G-d... i think it's my fault the world is crappy, not G-d's. it's your fault, too. we don't do right by eachother, we pass the buck on our obligation to love our neighbor. to love our enemies. to turn the other cheek. we see the poor or the suffering, and we turn away, and say there must be no G-d. if there is no G-d in this world, it's because we are not being a window to Him. i read a story about a guy who used to be a Christian, and is now an atheist, because of a picture he saw of a woman in a land having a drought. she was holding her dead child, and he thought, where is G-d, when all she needed was rain? i think the real question is where were WE? where was I? why was i not there, representing a G-d of grace to that woman?
something i'm sick and tired of is Christianity getting bashed all the time. if you listen to jon stewart or bill maher (who are very funny guys) you'd think that you have to be an idiot to believe in anything. they are very clever, and very condescending, and act as though it's been scientifcally proven that there is no G-d, and all believers are just un-educated, backwoods fanatics, clinging to our outdated superstitions and mythology. seriously? as if there were no intelligent people, no scientists, or doctors, or philosophers, who believe in G-d? we're not all racists, bigots, and members of the NRA. guess what! i'm not a racist! i don't hate gay people! i think the environment matters, and i don't drive a hummer. since when did mocking other people's beliefs become cool? and this loony idea that Christianity was invented to control people, a moral measure that we will always being struggling in futility to live up to, out of fear of being punished.... i have to wonder if these people actually know much about the Bible. the one major thing that distinguishes Christianity from other religions is the concept of grace. grace means unearned forgiveness. yeah, knowing there is a G-d makes us aware of our shortcomings. but He loves us, and forgives us. i don't attempt to live a good and moral life because i'm afraid of being sent to hell. i've been forgiven, and not because i earned it in any way. i don't get to be smug about it. people that are being smug are missing the point.
which leads us into politics. i'm a conservative. i relate most closely with the libertarian party. i think the government was never meant to solve our problems. it was meant to safeguard our freedom. i think that ayn rand was right when she said, "Every government interference in the economy consists of giving an unearned benefit, extorted by force, to some men at the expense of others." now, this doesn't mean i don't want to help people. i just don't think charity can ever be a mandatory thing funded by the tax system. i also thing the government is the wrong machine to distribute aid. non-profit organizations are more efficient, and get more aid directly to the people who need it. there are too many administrators, managers, and red-tape in the government. i also think that it's laziness to wait for the government to "fix" things. as i said above, if we started acting with true loving kindness to our neighbors, we wouldn't even need aid from the government. the more we expect help from the government, the more it will interfere in our lives. is it really constitutional that the government regulates what we can and can't consume? and i'm not just talking about our stupid "war on drugs," i'm talking about food. not just unhealthy food, either ( as if the government is qualified to decide what is healthy or unhealthy) but they regulate how we buy fresh foods, too. it is easier to buy over-processed pseudo-food products than it is to go to a farmer and buy milk and meat directly from him. read ron paul's book the revolution: a manifesto.

this may have ended up being a rant. but i find that it's harder and harder to defend the things i believe in without being misunderstood. pop-culture would call me a fanatic, or paranoid, or part of the "religious right." i don't think i fit into any of those boxes. i feel pretty rational... but hey, why listen to me? i'm just one of those crazy gun-toting, Christian-mythology-believing, poor-hating, homophobic, racist, un-educated, TEABAGGERS?!

day 18: my views on gay marriage :/

i live in america. the land of the free, the home of the brave. and right now there's this big stupid debate about gay marriage, and whether or not it should be legal, whether it's right or wrong, blah blah blah. i'm not going to discuss whether it's right or wrong. i'm going to discuss whether or not it should be legal.
here's the deal: i don't think it should be up to the government to decide what marriage is or is not. that is a blade that can cut both ways. all you need is a few crazy people in charge to start saying inter-racial marriage is illegal, or getting re-married after divorce, or marrying jews, or whatever, and then where are we? aside from protecting minors, the law should stay out of it. i think it should be civil unions for everyone. i think that if you want your union recognized by a separate moral/religious authority, you can easily find a church or some kind of officiant that will do that. of course, there will be churches that say it's wrong. so don't go to that church. not everyone is going to agree with your lifestyle, and you can't force people to say that what you're doing is alright. part of living in a free society is freedom to disagree, right? there are plenty of churches that would say that i'm the whore of babylon. i'm a single mom, i live with my boyfriend, i have tattoos, i smoke, drink, and swear...
from a religious standpoint, the Bible makes it pretty clear that we all go astray. (it also talks about fornication and adultery alot more than it talks about homosexuality, and pride even more than that.) and what is G-d's response to our unfaithful selves? grace. i wish more people would imitate that response.

day 17: books are awesome and good for your brain.

today's topic is supposed to be about a book that changed my life. really? this is a daily happening. i read all the time. so here's a top 5:

1. the Bible. but i'll save this topic for the religious and politcal views day.

2. tie between hobbit/lotr and the chronicles of narnia. these books instilled in me the sense of living life on an epic scale, of life being an adventure, of battles between good and evil, and the nobility of fighting in them.

3. nancy drew books. laugh if you will, but these books got me hooked on reading. also, nancy was a bad ass, especially in the original books. she was classy, too.

4. fahrenheit 451 and 1984. everyone should read these books. this is why books represent liberty and autonomy and e-readers are scary. sure, that sounds nutty. think about it awhile, though.

5. the alchemist. it's probably the most beautiful story since Jesus, and ridiculously easy to read.

i'd go into more detail about why these books changed my life, but you should probably just go read them. dig in, mull it around, think your own thoughts. books are like the fertilizer for growing your own ideas. quit watching the daily show and that teen mom show on mtv. books are good for you, promise. book reports due next friday.

day 16: someone or something i could definitely live without

i could live without meat. pork specifically. i'd like to live kosher. i've lived a vegetarian life before, and i'm not a huge carnivore now, but i really just want to cut the pig out of my life. all i have to do is decide. of course, this would mean eating at home more. i love to cook, and i shouldn't be buying lunch at work anyway... that's it. no more pig. good thing i already ate breakfast... oh, bacon! i miss you already.
sorry, not a long post. but i have good news! we're pretty much moved in to our new house! we've already painted the living room, and i have colors picked out for the bathroom and bedroom, too. i need to be careful or logan will dump me for being a project-a-holic.
best thing about moving (besides a nicer house and no lousy neighbors) is that i get to indulge my ocd book craziness, and reorganize and catalogue my books.
i know. i'm a nerd.

day 15: someone or something you've tried to live without, and can't

to begin with, sorry for the delay in posting. what with holidays, work, preparing to move, et cetera, i've been AFK. do the kids still say that? in case you don't understand the archaic terms from back in the days of aol instant messenger, i've been away from my keyboard. things might be a little sporadic this month. (the word "sporadic" means once in a while. i learned that from clueless.)
on to the subject at hand, the something i can't live without. i've tried to live without lots of things. cigarettes, whiskey, G-d, family, boyfriend... and all of those things i've just listed are still in my life. the cigarettes need to go, it's true. i've quit before, and i'll quit again. but the magical trifecta of G-d, family, and boyfriend, that's my support system. these things in combination are what drive me to make my life better, to be kinder, to be more creative, to be unselfish at least sometimes. honestly, if i don't have my family, i'm single, and there is no G-d, why on earth would i be motivated to do anything good? everything i would become at that point would be self-serving and destructive. so, life gets lame when i try to live without just one piece of my trifecta- i need all three. (and really, even though smoking is bad, i think it's kept me from losing it a few times. if you've ever worked in the restaurant industry, you know what i mean.)

day 14: a hero that has let you down

i had to think a little about this one. i'm still hesitating as i type... because this one is about my dad. i love my dad. and, even though i still struggle with some of this stuff, his life isn't the same as it was. we have a pretty good relationship. i don't know that i can say he was ever my hero, exactly, but he's my dad. you know how you feel about your parents when you're little, right?
i had a pretty good childhood. nice, normal, church-going, middle-class, parents actually married to eachother. then, one day, when i was about eleven or twelve, i found out that i had a brother. my dad had been married before, and had a son. and i never knew he even existed. the reality of this was lost in the excitement of having a brother of my own. getting to meet him for the first time was incredible. he was so obviously my family.
a couple of years later, i found out there was another son. from another marriage. that was when it started to sink in... my dad didn't stay with those families.
now, i'm a single mom. and my dad hates my daughter's father for being an absentee pseudo father. obviously, with good reason. but inside i sometimes want to shout at him, you did it, too! you walked away, you deprived your sons of their father, and my sister and i of our brothers.
my dad has made a lot of mistakes, and so have i. i love him and i forgive him and i believe that he's been changed by some of his mistakes into a better man. but it still changed the way i see him.
gah, see why i didn't want to write this? i want to delete it. but i won't.

day 13: music or artist that has gotten you through some tough times

i don't even know where to start with this one. i could tell you my life story in music. it's been such a key part of my survival, of how i've related to others, of how i've seen myself.
i grew up listening to an odd mix. there was, of course, my parents' music. to this day, the music of santana, eric clapton, yes, and heart are, to me, real rock and roll. then throw in the fact that i grew up in the eighties. so we had the songs of madonna, prince, and george michael on the radio. my first cassette was debbie gibson, out of the blue. i still remember the choreography my sister and i made up for our favorite songs. to add another layer, i started playing violin when i was eight, so i listened to classical music, as well. not many preteens could tell you their top three favorite violinists. (itzhak perlman, shony alex braun, and isaac stern, in that order.) music was an important part of my life from the get-go.
i hit high school. i hadn't been much for the music my peers were listening to. i liked weezer and oasis and no doubt, but i didn't get the whole grunge thing. i thought kurt cobain was an ass. ( i think i was right about him.) and then two things happened: my loser first boyfriend dumped me, and my best friend introduced me to punk music. it changed everything. it. changed. everything.
from there, all the musical doors were open. i went through all kinds of phases, being obsessed with blondie, david bowie, radiohead, pavement, obscure music-snob bands. and they all got me through tough times.
kurt vonnegut said that when he died, he wanted his epitaph to say, "the only proof he needed for the existence of G-d was music."
he was right.

day 12: something i never get compliments on

i never get compliments on my music career. i never get compliments on my published works. i never get compliments on my organizational skills. why? i never did these things. they scare me. however, i have been stewing ideas for a book. i've been writing a song here and there. i've made a cleaning schedule for the whole family, which we sometimes actually follow. i sometimes wonder if i'm ever actually going to take the risks involved for me to do these things. ( i don't include being organized. that's not actually risky, just time-consuming.) i don't like rejection. i know, who does, right? i think really i just don't like feeling foolish. rejection makes me feel foolish. i need to start taking some risks. i'm not a natural risk-taker.

but i have been white-water rafting before. that was risky, right? maybe i can do this...

i'll never get compliments for the things i never attempt.

day 11: something people compliment you on the most.

compliments are not things i handle well. i never know what to say. the most common one when i would go to a bar is what nice eyes i have. my eyes are up here, buddy. most random, a guy once told me i have very pretty eyebrows. hm. i think he might have been gay. i get compliments on my tattoos. however, the compliments i hear most often are book/reading related. granted, i work in a bookstore. the newest robert jordan wheel of time book came out nov. 2nd. it is over 800 pages long. a couple days later i was done. "how on earth did you finish so fast?" i just couldn't stop reading! reading quickly doesn't feel like an accomplishment to me. it doesn't mean i'm smarter. at work, someone tells me they're looking for a certain book. i say, "oh, by blah-blah-blah. that's in classics, aisle 8." they say, "do you know every book in here? how do you remember that?" i remember because i answer the same questions a million times a day. alright, i do know alot about literature. it's just what i love. i really really really love books. all kinds. in a week, you may spot me reading the bfg (by roald dahl, the same guy who wrote charlie & the chocolate factory), a random book about theology, a huge geeky fantasy novel, pride & prejudice (jane austen), the brothers karamazov ( by dostoevsky), then bring it back around with some sleuthing with nancy drew (many authors, using the pseudonym carolyn keene.) i know literature because i bury myself in it. to me, it is the greatest adventure. also (because i've read fahrenheit 451 too many times) my way of exposing myself to ideas. i want to know i came to my beliefs on my own steam, and didn't have them fed to me by the tv, the internet, or the party line. i truly believe that when (notice i didn't say if) we release control of the written word to government or corporations, we will be relinquishing control of our very minds. reading is important to me because autonomy is important to me.

also, it's a free vacation to places like hogwarts, middle earth, and narnia.
so, if you have ever complimented me on my reading skills or my book knowledge, thank you. i don't feel like it's a talent of any kind. but thank you, anyway.

day 10: someone i need to let go, or wish i didn't know.

hm. i could get myself into trouble here. someone i wish i didn't know... it would be redundant to go on about the baby-daddy again. hm.
honestly, over the years i have simplified my life alot. the friends that were never really friends have fallen by the wayside. i've left behind the crappy co-workers, the bad boyfriends, even the hypocritical religious community. i still have some annoying people here and there. i have one co-worker who drives me up the wall. but, in reality, he could be a LOT worse, and i love him in spite of himself. i've got good friends, who love me as i am. i've got a great boyfriend. i found a church that is actually honest, and doesn't make me feel like a charity case. (you know, the whole "it's a single mother! we must SAVE her!" thing. gah.) all in all, i think i've cut out most of the dead weight in my life. it was a survival thing. i get depressed when i feel tired and emotionally drained. i can't afford to get depressed, because my daughter needs me. so i cleared out the things that were draining me. mostly. i think i'm doing alright.

day 9: someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted.

hummm. honestly, i don't think this has ever happened to me. if i have drifted apart from someone, it was probably ( read definitely) by choice, and not just an accidental drifting. there have been times that i worried my best friend and i were drifting apart. we're both very busy. i have a school-aged child, a full-time job, and a boyfriend. she's got school, like, forty-three jobs, and a husband. add into that a two-year peace corps adventure (not mine) and the fact that our opinions on religion and politics differ a lot more than they used to. i sometimes thought that it was only a matter of time before we just had nothing in common. i was wrong.
for one thing, no matter what changes, we'll always have our history in common. we've gone through a lot of crap, and we've accepted each other in spite of it. also, i love her. when something bad happens to my friend, my heart gets all achy for her. she's always stood by my side, and i'll always stand by hers. we may not be meeting for lattes, or whatever it is girls do, but our friendship is immutable.
that said, if you feel like you haven't seen me in a while, i'm probably just busy. sorry. we'll get together for that latte soon, i promise. i just need to get ellie through school first.

day 8: someone who made my life hell...or treated me like shit.

for those who might be offended, there is a bit of swearing getting ready to happen.
i have a top two for this one. and it's super-cliche. one is an ex, and one is a baby-daddy.
number one, in no particular order: my first boyfriend ever. he was a jerk-face. he made me feel like i was ugly, stupid, and worthless. this guy told me i was fat. ( i weighed about 100 pounds at the time, if you can imagine it.) he would call me to tell me to work out. he told me what to eat. he told me who i could talk to. (no other guys, surprise, surprise.) he made fun of me, laughed at me for not knowing sexual terms that i hope to God my daughter doesn't know at 14. he also told me i ruined every song he liked by singing along with it. and i believed him. why? because i was young, and he told me he loved me. i didn't know people would say that if it wasn't true! worst wake up call ever. however, to tell you the truth, i've forgiven this guy. mostly. i hang on to the memory because i have a daughter, and i am TERRIFIED that someone might treat her that way.
number two asshole: ellie's dad. he is the biggest bastard in the world. if you've been in my life at all for the last ten years, you might know why, but here are a few highlights: when i called him to tell him i was pregnant, he told me that it just wasn't convenient for him. he didn't even f-ing meet ellie till she was TWO YEARS OLD. and when she was almost six, this unspeakably vile person decided to drag me, my daughter, and our entire family, through what is edging on a 4 year long custody battle. this started with him wanting full custody. then he settled for joint custody; we each had her every other week. then he just quit coming to get her. for months. he said he had the swine flu. then we arranged a setting for gradual visitation, and i had full custody. he was supposed to start paying child support, and make payments on his thousands of dollars of back child support. he picked ellie up for a few visits, then actually moved out of state. on a visitation day. without telling me. and without making a single payment, of course. and now he's back. and he wants to see her again. he says that would be what ellie wants. ellie wants a fucking dad, and you don't know how to be one, asshole.
that's probably enough of a rant. sorry. now i feel grumpy. maybe i need to do some kick-boxing or something.

day 7: someone who has made my life worth lving for

person number one in my life is my daughter. i really love her so much. not just because she's my kid and i have to, either. i'm telling you, she's got character. absolutely one of a kind. she's smart. she's funny. she's learning to express herself, and she's got a style all her own. all the other girls love hannah montana, but she thinks icarly is funnier. she likes to watch scary movies. she is a horribly picky eater, but she'll chow down on broccoli, apples, and edamame. she recently decided that she hates pink. she likes to wear things that don't exactly match so she'll look "punkish." but not TOO punkish. she thinks she's very grown up, but she still plays with her littlest pet shop toys in the bath tub. she is stubborn, argumentative, and a know-it-all, and she is the most precious thing in the world to me.
on the days where i'm feeling beat down, she is the reason i get out of bed. every good choice i ever made, i made for her.
person number two in my life is logan. he's the one who told me i was capable of making those choices. he pushes me to make my life better. when i was stuck in another waitressing job, coming home exhausted every night, he was the one who pushed me to get a better job. now he's the one who is pushing me to think about school again. also, he's down for the crazy ideas i come up with. i have him half-way convinced that we could make our own bio-diesel, and he gets excited about learning canning, and beekeeping, and candle-making...
my family makes my life worth living. they make me laugh, they wear me out, they make me try harder the next day. i'm a lucky one.

day 5: my best laid plans

what do i want to do with my life? this is something of a constant question these days. i want to go back to school, i want to write a book, i want to be able to retire before 65, i want to run in a marathon, i want to quit smoking, i want to buy a house, i want to get maaaarrried. but really, i just wanna get out of here.
i think my friend dorn covered traveling on day 5, as well. but i'm going to get specific, and tell you the three trips i HAVE to take. first, i want to take my whole family to washington d.c. i went there in eighth grade for a class trip, and i've wanted to go back ever since. i want my daughter to see it. i'd like to take my mom. i wish that everyone could go there and spend a few days exploring.
second, i want to take a train trip. anywhere, really, but i'd like to see europe, the u.k., even some of the parts of my own country where i haven't been. i just want it to be on a train. because i have watched white christmas too many times, and read too many agatha christie novels.
third, i want to go to Israel. i mean, i really really want to go. i kinda want to move there, maybe later in life. i get a little choked up just thinking about it. America is my country and i love her, but Eretz Yisrael has my heart.
i just hope i can make it happen.

day 4: i need to forgive others, you guys.

today i'm supposed to discuss something i need to forgive someone else for. pardon the bad grammar, i didn't write the list :) i'm not going to discuss ex-boyfriends or the baby-daddy, cause, hey, i'm not so cliche. besides, i've forgiven the former, and latter is SOL. so, who do i need to forgive? hang on, we're about to get messy.
i need to forgive my family for being a bunch of basket-cases. i'm not speaking of anyone specific, because this covers ALL my extended family. on both sides. some of them are petty, gossipy, and stubborn. hey, so am i. one in particular has disowned me, and has never even met my daughter. that's a tough one to let go. but does staying resentful affect him at all? no, it only affects me. sounds melodramatic, but i think my bitterness damages my soul. so, i've been making an effort to let it go. i NEED a family. aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, i need you all. not like we need to chat on the phone for hours, or meet for coffee once a week. but that network is important. i've got a friend and church family. but having broken relationships with my blood family is lame. if any of you happen to read this, i really do love you. we've all spent too much time judging each other, picking our family apart. i miss you. even if we don't seem to have anything at all in common, we're family. and surely that counts for more than all the other stuff we've put in between us.

day 3: something for which i need to forgive myself

oh, here we go. i need to forgive myself for being a bad mom. i'm talking big mistakes, and little ones, here. little ones like not being patient enough, or letting her eat breakfast in the car on the way to school; big ones like letting depression debilitate me so much that i let her go live with my mom for a while. the fact that the big ones ever happened makes it even harder to forgive myself for the little ones. i know that i'm a pretty good mom NOW. i cook healthy food, encourage her to be herself, force her to turn the tv off and read a book, take her to church ( albeit a very laid back church named after a place in lord of the rings), play beatles records but still let her watch camp rock... but because i've messed up in something big, i beat myself up about every little thing. i need to get over it and just do my best.