Oh, I keep doing this, don't I?

I've been gone for a bit, eh? This last year has been, well, it's been a year. My dad is gone. My dad died last June, and I have been less than okay ever since. I cried in the shower today because I was alone with the feeling of missing him. I miss him all the time. There are a million little distractions, all day, every day, just the business of living. I'm not alone with my thoughts very often. And then I am, and my birthday is this week and it's been sitting in the back of my mind like a block of ice. And I don't want to think about the phone call that isn't coming, the dinner we won't eat together, the super-sappy card I won't get. You know the kind, all cursive and sparkly, and things like "To My Daughter" on the front with a picture of a tree? With the date inside, always a notation of what year this card was from. And there will be no card with a little 2013. I don't think about it. Until I do, then we get the sobbing shower moments. And, geez, this blog post is a downer.
So let's change gears, then. I also got married this past October. Yay! That was fun! Stressful, but also awesome. People are always asking me how married life is. It's hard. It's permanent. It's aggravating. It's beautiful. I love my husband more every day, even on the days I absolutely want to strangle him. And I will not tell you that those days are few and far between. They are most decidedly not. I'm sure he would day the same about me. How terrifying. How humbling.
And so here we are. I'm on the cusp of another year, and looking back, I guess. I'm also looking forward. I've got alot of plans, my dears. You will undoubtedly be hearing all about it. And I promise that next time won't be so long in coming, nor will it be so full of run-on sentences. I may get a bit maudlin from time to time, but, hell, nobody's making you read this, are they?

-sj

Being a mom is scary, you guys.

I love being a mom. I love helping my daughter figure things out. I love cooking her dinner, especially when she writes, "Mom is the best chef!" on our chalkboard wall. Even though I hate doing math homework, I love it when she understands something I'm teaching her. I love all the little parts of the day that add up to mean I'm a parent. It's my job to teach and love and comfort and guide... and to protect.

That's when it gets scary. Protecting is my job. And I can't do it. You see, I have a breakable daughter. Ellie has a disease called Osteogenesis Imperfecta, more commonly known as the Brittle Bone disease. It's genetic, and it has no cure. The form of the disease that Ellie has is very mild, and we've been very lucky. We've dealt with a total of 8-9 broken bones, which isn't that many compared to what others with OI have had to deal with. I try to protect her, and she knows her limits fairly well: no running or jumping or climbing. But there is no real protection. Yesterday, during her school choir practice, she broke her wrist. She broke it by picking up a chair. How do you protect your kid from chairs?!?!

This opens the door to all the things you could possibly be scared of for your child. If I can't protect my daughter from a chair, how will I protect her from anything? Mean kids, creepy men, kidnappers, boys trying something, anything?! I. am. helpless. And I feel like this all over again, each time it happens. Each time, I have learn again, that I was never the One in control, and I never will be.

Oh, by the way, you can learn about OI and donate to fund research for a cure here.

Happy Thanksgiving!

So many things for which we can be thankful!

Enjoy the holiday, everybody!

How to sustain the un-sustainable

Lately, I've been feeling dragged down by the rat-race. You know how it goes. Work, weekend, work, weekend. Take my kid to a school where she's not really learning anything. Sit in traffic to go somewhere I don't really want to go. It gets old pretty quickly. So, I've been thinking, why not stop? Why not figure out how to live the life I want now, instead of assuming it has to take place further down the line?

It may make me sound like a crazy. The plan is to leave the city, and try sustainable farming. I know, I know. I'm a city girl. Rock and roll to the core. Pretty much a hipster, who loves to go downtown for a pint at Arnie's, meet up with friends on the rooftop of El Guapo for brunch (haven't actually had the time to do that in awhile), buy my Tom's at Dwelling Spaces, etc. We've tried growing some veggies and making our own cheese. We know how to can, and make our own bread. Logan has beehives. Why couldn't we make this how will live all aspects of our life? I think we can. And the more I look into, the more I think it's possible. The financial transition would be difficult. But why not try it? The ability to be independent is precious to me. Freedom and autonomy are worth hard work. I could always drive in to the city for a pint on a Saturday night. Or, maybe my friends would be willing to drive out to have some homebrew on the homestead.

So what do we think? Am I crazy?

What does "family" mean, anyway?

It's that time of year... the holiday time. The time that you're supposed to spend laughing over dinner with your family. Hugging all your aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc. Gathering with your church community for choir programs.  And I'm depressed about all of it.
Don't get me wrong, I'm super-psyched to decorate, and do lots of baking, and try to con Logan into putting lights up. But all the family and church stuff is sort of a hole in my life right now. I miss it alot.
My extended family on my mom's side is pretty big. (She's one of nine kids.) We used to really do it up for Christmas. We had a progressive dinner every Christmas Eve. You know, appetizer-y things at one house, soup and sandwiches at the next, dessert at our house; a crazy night full of food and family. We even had a guy dressed up as Santa to give us one present early. Over the years, our family has pretty much disintegrated. Brothers and sisters don't even speak to eachother anymore. It's all stupid and petty and heartbreaking, and I want my family back. So, last week, I sent out an e-mail to friends and family asking for addresses for Christmas cards. I've gotten three replies from my mom's family. Including my grandparents.
On top of this, I recently made a decision to leave my church. There wasn't really anything there for my daughter's age group, and I was kinda starting to feel like there was a clique I wasn't in there. Case in point, only one person has contacted me to see why I've left.  Finding a church sucks. You'd think, in the middle of the Bible belt, I'd find one in a heartbeat. But most churches are just glossy self-help programs with verses thrown in. Or they're really uptight. Or they keep asking for money. Or they don't have a kids program. You may have figured by now that we're a rather offbeat family. Finding a place to fit in is hard.
So that's two families that I'm missing during this holiday season.
But, what does "family" really mean, anyway?

oh, my, i've been gone so long!

well, i guess i'm back... the computer has been fixed, but i've been a little busy. turns out, mom-ing a fifth grader is a full-time job! geez, homework! also, work. also, being a crafty mutha. i've developed a knitting problem. also, as part of some, er, event planning, i started DIYing my own mercury glass. and, pinterest. oh, sweet lord, pinterest. and, on top of everything else, doctor who on the netflix.
but i'm going to be blogging again. the holidays are advancing like an army, and i'm hoping to do it a bit smaller this year. planning to do some crafting and baking and volunteering. you'll be hearing about all that. but for now, just check out this link.

day 23... did absence make your heart grow fonder?

topic today: something i wish i'd done.
well, questions like this suck. cause if i changed my life at all, would i have ellie? would i have met logan?
let's just say, this is the thing i would go back and change if i could still have ellie and logan. i would have gone to college. i probably would have gone to nashville and studied music at belmont, or maybe berklee in boston. i wanted to do it. but i didn't think it was that big of a deal. i also didn't realize how complicated grown-up life really is. sure, i can go back to school as an adult. i can study all kinds of things. i can even get grants and stuff cause i'm a single momma. but when would i fit in time for classes and homework? i work full time, and i can't afford to work less. and of course, my first priority is ellie, and getting her through school... my eighteen year old self had no idea. my eighteen year old self thought she was too freaking punk rock to conform to normal education, or something stupid like that. what a bunch of dumb! how pretentious! on top of it all, now that i'm older and wiser, i have to admit my mother was right about it!
i'm not giving up on my education, but the choices i have before me now are much more complicated than they were when i was younger.
so, kids, go to college and don't smoke.