Oh, I keep doing this, don't I?

I've been gone for a bit, eh? This last year has been, well, it's been a year. My dad is gone. My dad died last June, and I have been less than okay ever since. I cried in the shower today because I was alone with the feeling of missing him. I miss him all the time. There are a million little distractions, all day, every day, just the business of living. I'm not alone with my thoughts very often. And then I am, and my birthday is this week and it's been sitting in the back of my mind like a block of ice. And I don't want to think about the phone call that isn't coming, the dinner we won't eat together, the super-sappy card I won't get. You know the kind, all cursive and sparkly, and things like "To My Daughter" on the front with a picture of a tree? With the date inside, always a notation of what year this card was from. And there will be no card with a little 2013. I don't think about it. Until I do, then we get the sobbing shower moments. And, geez, this blog post is a downer.
So let's change gears, then. I also got married this past October. Yay! That was fun! Stressful, but also awesome. People are always asking me how married life is. It's hard. It's permanent. It's aggravating. It's beautiful. I love my husband more every day, even on the days I absolutely want to strangle him. And I will not tell you that those days are few and far between. They are most decidedly not. I'm sure he would day the same about me. How terrifying. How humbling.
And so here we are. I'm on the cusp of another year, and looking back, I guess. I'm also looking forward. I've got alot of plans, my dears. You will undoubtedly be hearing all about it. And I promise that next time won't be so long in coming, nor will it be so full of run-on sentences. I may get a bit maudlin from time to time, but, hell, nobody's making you read this, are they?

-sj

Being a mom is scary, you guys.

I love being a mom. I love helping my daughter figure things out. I love cooking her dinner, especially when she writes, "Mom is the best chef!" on our chalkboard wall. Even though I hate doing math homework, I love it when she understands something I'm teaching her. I love all the little parts of the day that add up to mean I'm a parent. It's my job to teach and love and comfort and guide... and to protect.

That's when it gets scary. Protecting is my job. And I can't do it. You see, I have a breakable daughter. Ellie has a disease called Osteogenesis Imperfecta, more commonly known as the Brittle Bone disease. It's genetic, and it has no cure. The form of the disease that Ellie has is very mild, and we've been very lucky. We've dealt with a total of 8-9 broken bones, which isn't that many compared to what others with OI have had to deal with. I try to protect her, and she knows her limits fairly well: no running or jumping or climbing. But there is no real protection. Yesterday, during her school choir practice, she broke her wrist. She broke it by picking up a chair. How do you protect your kid from chairs?!?!

This opens the door to all the things you could possibly be scared of for your child. If I can't protect my daughter from a chair, how will I protect her from anything? Mean kids, creepy men, kidnappers, boys trying something, anything?! I. am. helpless. And I feel like this all over again, each time it happens. Each time, I have learn again, that I was never the One in control, and I never will be.

Oh, by the way, you can learn about OI and donate to fund research for a cure here.

Happy Thanksgiving!

So many things for which we can be thankful!

Enjoy the holiday, everybody!

How to sustain the un-sustainable

Lately, I've been feeling dragged down by the rat-race. You know how it goes. Work, weekend, work, weekend. Take my kid to a school where she's not really learning anything. Sit in traffic to go somewhere I don't really want to go. It gets old pretty quickly. So, I've been thinking, why not stop? Why not figure out how to live the life I want now, instead of assuming it has to take place further down the line?

It may make me sound like a crazy. The plan is to leave the city, and try sustainable farming. I know, I know. I'm a city girl. Rock and roll to the core. Pretty much a hipster, who loves to go downtown for a pint at Arnie's, meet up with friends on the rooftop of El Guapo for brunch (haven't actually had the time to do that in awhile), buy my Tom's at Dwelling Spaces, etc. We've tried growing some veggies and making our own cheese. We know how to can, and make our own bread. Logan has beehives. Why couldn't we make this how will live all aspects of our life? I think we can. And the more I look into, the more I think it's possible. The financial transition would be difficult. But why not try it? The ability to be independent is precious to me. Freedom and autonomy are worth hard work. I could always drive in to the city for a pint on a Saturday night. Or, maybe my friends would be willing to drive out to have some homebrew on the homestead.

So what do we think? Am I crazy?

What does "family" mean, anyway?

It's that time of year... the holiday time. The time that you're supposed to spend laughing over dinner with your family. Hugging all your aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc. Gathering with your church community for choir programs.  And I'm depressed about all of it.
Don't get me wrong, I'm super-psyched to decorate, and do lots of baking, and try to con Logan into putting lights up. But all the family and church stuff is sort of a hole in my life right now. I miss it alot.
My extended family on my mom's side is pretty big. (She's one of nine kids.) We used to really do it up for Christmas. We had a progressive dinner every Christmas Eve. You know, appetizer-y things at one house, soup and sandwiches at the next, dessert at our house; a crazy night full of food and family. We even had a guy dressed up as Santa to give us one present early. Over the years, our family has pretty much disintegrated. Brothers and sisters don't even speak to eachother anymore. It's all stupid and petty and heartbreaking, and I want my family back. So, last week, I sent out an e-mail to friends and family asking for addresses for Christmas cards. I've gotten three replies from my mom's family. Including my grandparents.
On top of this, I recently made a decision to leave my church. There wasn't really anything there for my daughter's age group, and I was kinda starting to feel like there was a clique I wasn't in there. Case in point, only one person has contacted me to see why I've left.  Finding a church sucks. You'd think, in the middle of the Bible belt, I'd find one in a heartbeat. But most churches are just glossy self-help programs with verses thrown in. Or they're really uptight. Or they keep asking for money. Or they don't have a kids program. You may have figured by now that we're a rather offbeat family. Finding a place to fit in is hard.
So that's two families that I'm missing during this holiday season.
But, what does "family" really mean, anyway?

oh, my, i've been gone so long!

well, i guess i'm back... the computer has been fixed, but i've been a little busy. turns out, mom-ing a fifth grader is a full-time job! geez, homework! also, work. also, being a crafty mutha. i've developed a knitting problem. also, as part of some, er, event planning, i started DIYing my own mercury glass. and, pinterest. oh, sweet lord, pinterest. and, on top of everything else, doctor who on the netflix.
but i'm going to be blogging again. the holidays are advancing like an army, and i'm hoping to do it a bit smaller this year. planning to do some crafting and baking and volunteering. you'll be hearing about all that. but for now, just check out this link.

day 23... did absence make your heart grow fonder?

topic today: something i wish i'd done.
well, questions like this suck. cause if i changed my life at all, would i have ellie? would i have met logan?
let's just say, this is the thing i would go back and change if i could still have ellie and logan. i would have gone to college. i probably would have gone to nashville and studied music at belmont, or maybe berklee in boston. i wanted to do it. but i didn't think it was that big of a deal. i also didn't realize how complicated grown-up life really is. sure, i can go back to school as an adult. i can study all kinds of things. i can even get grants and stuff cause i'm a single momma. but when would i fit in time for classes and homework? i work full time, and i can't afford to work less. and of course, my first priority is ellie, and getting her through school... my eighteen year old self had no idea. my eighteen year old self thought she was too freaking punk rock to conform to normal education, or something stupid like that. what a bunch of dumb! how pretentious! on top of it all, now that i'm older and wiser, i have to admit my mother was right about it!
i'm not giving up on my education, but the choices i have before me now are much more complicated than they were when i was younger.
so, kids, go to college and don't smoke.

day 22, slacking as usual

today's topic is something i wish i hadn't done in my life. well, i wish i had never started smoking. or started again, after i had ellie. i am in the process of quitting right now. i am miserable, and angry. i am short-tempered, and bitchy to people i love. because i really want a cigarette. seriously, why have i been willing to let myself be controlled by nicotine for so long? and when i think of the dollars i've wasted... i have been an idiot. no longer! i give up! i will be free of you, evil tobacco! ( i mean, i love you, please don't go!)

let this be a lesson, children. smoking may seem cool, edgy, rebellious, or whatever. but you will get addicted. and it will suck. and that nicotine gum is lousy.

day 21, with delays

today's question/topic is "your best friend is in a car accident right after you fight. what do you do?" i think this is a lame-face question. i'd go straight to the hospital, emergency room, whatever. i'd be there. i'm not twelve. i could never be mad enough that i wouldn't be there for my friend and her family if something awful happened. we've never really been much for fighting, anyway. we had one fight when we were sixteen. about a boy. and we got over it really fast. that's why we're friends. i don't think there is a fight i couldn't forgive and forget. unless it's about my daughter. you hurt my child, i probably won't forgive and forget.
so, yeah, lame question. sorry, i didn't make 'em up. maybe tomorrow will be more interesting...

day 20: my views on drugs and alcohol

hey! this should be a fun one!
well, obviously, drugs and alcohol are bad, right? hm? obviously... here's the deal. i don't think that they should be illegal. up until they started passing laws about this stuff, it was widely recognized that our government didn't have the authority to dictate to us what we could and could not consume. drugs were bought and sold legally. the drugs laws that were passed generally had to do with having a permit to sell and paying taxes and all that. a few laws were passed against opium dens, but they were targeting the chinese specifically. then came prohibition. we all know how that turned out. prohibition could probably get credit for single-handedly organizing crime. but we didn't learn our lesson there. a while later, nixon declared war on drugs. and guess what happened? a dangerous black market grew.
now, i'm not saying drugs are good, but i don't think marijuana can be classed with other drugs. i think we're wasting jail-space if we're making criminals of a bunch of dirty hippies laughing at cartoons and eating captain crunch or whatever. and i'm not saying you should go try some cocaine, or start a nice little heroine habit. not what i'm saying at all. i'm saying that making these things illegal hasn't stopped people from getting them, and now violent groups are smuggling them into our country. maybe we should be looking closer at our methods for eradicating drug use.
i drink. not very often, and not very much. and i don't think there's anything wrong with that. however, i have seen alcohol destroy lives. obviously we should be moderate with anything we consume, french fries as well as beer. and if you're not capable of being moderate, cut that temptation out of your life. i'm sure that, even if you don't recognize that you have a problem, someone who loves you has tried to tell you that they're worried.
i feel like i rambled alot with this post. oh well, you got the general idea.

day 19: my views on religion and politics

geez louisa, this could be a long one. i could keep it simple and say that i'm a Christian, and a conservative, but that leaves so much room to be misunderstood.
first things first: i believe in G-d. not some scary big guy in the sky who wants to punish us all for being bad-- a G-d that loves me and created me for a purpose. One that loves you, too. no matter what kind of fuck up you think you are. i think the evidence that He's there is all around us, like music on the air. people wonder why the world is full of pain and suffering if there is really a G-d... i think it's my fault the world is crappy, not G-d's. it's your fault, too. we don't do right by eachother, we pass the buck on our obligation to love our neighbor. to love our enemies. to turn the other cheek. we see the poor or the suffering, and we turn away, and say there must be no G-d. if there is no G-d in this world, it's because we are not being a window to Him. i read a story about a guy who used to be a Christian, and is now an atheist, because of a picture he saw of a woman in a land having a drought. she was holding her dead child, and he thought, where is G-d, when all she needed was rain? i think the real question is where were WE? where was I? why was i not there, representing a G-d of grace to that woman?
something i'm sick and tired of is Christianity getting bashed all the time. if you listen to jon stewart or bill maher (who are very funny guys) you'd think that you have to be an idiot to believe in anything. they are very clever, and very condescending, and act as though it's been scientifcally proven that there is no G-d, and all believers are just un-educated, backwoods fanatics, clinging to our outdated superstitions and mythology. seriously? as if there were no intelligent people, no scientists, or doctors, or philosophers, who believe in G-d? we're not all racists, bigots, and members of the NRA. guess what! i'm not a racist! i don't hate gay people! i think the environment matters, and i don't drive a hummer. since when did mocking other people's beliefs become cool? and this loony idea that Christianity was invented to control people, a moral measure that we will always being struggling in futility to live up to, out of fear of being punished.... i have to wonder if these people actually know much about the Bible. the one major thing that distinguishes Christianity from other religions is the concept of grace. grace means unearned forgiveness. yeah, knowing there is a G-d makes us aware of our shortcomings. but He loves us, and forgives us. i don't attempt to live a good and moral life because i'm afraid of being sent to hell. i've been forgiven, and not because i earned it in any way. i don't get to be smug about it. people that are being smug are missing the point.
which leads us into politics. i'm a conservative. i relate most closely with the libertarian party. i think the government was never meant to solve our problems. it was meant to safeguard our freedom. i think that ayn rand was right when she said, "Every government interference in the economy consists of giving an unearned benefit, extorted by force, to some men at the expense of others." now, this doesn't mean i don't want to help people. i just don't think charity can ever be a mandatory thing funded by the tax system. i also thing the government is the wrong machine to distribute aid. non-profit organizations are more efficient, and get more aid directly to the people who need it. there are too many administrators, managers, and red-tape in the government. i also think that it's laziness to wait for the government to "fix" things. as i said above, if we started acting with true loving kindness to our neighbors, we wouldn't even need aid from the government. the more we expect help from the government, the more it will interfere in our lives. is it really constitutional that the government regulates what we can and can't consume? and i'm not just talking about our stupid "war on drugs," i'm talking about food. not just unhealthy food, either ( as if the government is qualified to decide what is healthy or unhealthy) but they regulate how we buy fresh foods, too. it is easier to buy over-processed pseudo-food products than it is to go to a farmer and buy milk and meat directly from him. read ron paul's book the revolution: a manifesto.

this may have ended up being a rant. but i find that it's harder and harder to defend the things i believe in without being misunderstood. pop-culture would call me a fanatic, or paranoid, or part of the "religious right." i don't think i fit into any of those boxes. i feel pretty rational... but hey, why listen to me? i'm just one of those crazy gun-toting, Christian-mythology-believing, poor-hating, homophobic, racist, un-educated, TEABAGGERS?!

day 18: my views on gay marriage :/

i live in america. the land of the free, the home of the brave. and right now there's this big stupid debate about gay marriage, and whether or not it should be legal, whether it's right or wrong, blah blah blah. i'm not going to discuss whether it's right or wrong. i'm going to discuss whether or not it should be legal.
here's the deal: i don't think it should be up to the government to decide what marriage is or is not. that is a blade that can cut both ways. all you need is a few crazy people in charge to start saying inter-racial marriage is illegal, or getting re-married after divorce, or marrying jews, or whatever, and then where are we? aside from protecting minors, the law should stay out of it. i think it should be civil unions for everyone. i think that if you want your union recognized by a separate moral/religious authority, you can easily find a church or some kind of officiant that will do that. of course, there will be churches that say it's wrong. so don't go to that church. not everyone is going to agree with your lifestyle, and you can't force people to say that what you're doing is alright. part of living in a free society is freedom to disagree, right? there are plenty of churches that would say that i'm the whore of babylon. i'm a single mom, i live with my boyfriend, i have tattoos, i smoke, drink, and swear...
from a religious standpoint, the Bible makes it pretty clear that we all go astray. (it also talks about fornication and adultery alot more than it talks about homosexuality, and pride even more than that.) and what is G-d's response to our unfaithful selves? grace. i wish more people would imitate that response.

day 17: books are awesome and good for your brain.

today's topic is supposed to be about a book that changed my life. really? this is a daily happening. i read all the time. so here's a top 5:

1. the Bible. but i'll save this topic for the religious and politcal views day.

2. tie between hobbit/lotr and the chronicles of narnia. these books instilled in me the sense of living life on an epic scale, of life being an adventure, of battles between good and evil, and the nobility of fighting in them.

3. nancy drew books. laugh if you will, but these books got me hooked on reading. also, nancy was a bad ass, especially in the original books. she was classy, too.

4. fahrenheit 451 and 1984. everyone should read these books. this is why books represent liberty and autonomy and e-readers are scary. sure, that sounds nutty. think about it awhile, though.

5. the alchemist. it's probably the most beautiful story since Jesus, and ridiculously easy to read.

i'd go into more detail about why these books changed my life, but you should probably just go read them. dig in, mull it around, think your own thoughts. books are like the fertilizer for growing your own ideas. quit watching the daily show and that teen mom show on mtv. books are good for you, promise. book reports due next friday.

day 16: someone or something i could definitely live without

i could live without meat. pork specifically. i'd like to live kosher. i've lived a vegetarian life before, and i'm not a huge carnivore now, but i really just want to cut the pig out of my life. all i have to do is decide. of course, this would mean eating at home more. i love to cook, and i shouldn't be buying lunch at work anyway... that's it. no more pig. good thing i already ate breakfast... oh, bacon! i miss you already.
sorry, not a long post. but i have good news! we're pretty much moved in to our new house! we've already painted the living room, and i have colors picked out for the bathroom and bedroom, too. i need to be careful or logan will dump me for being a project-a-holic.
best thing about moving (besides a nicer house and no lousy neighbors) is that i get to indulge my ocd book craziness, and reorganize and catalogue my books.
i know. i'm a nerd.

day 15: someone or something you've tried to live without, and can't

to begin with, sorry for the delay in posting. what with holidays, work, preparing to move, et cetera, i've been AFK. do the kids still say that? in case you don't understand the archaic terms from back in the days of aol instant messenger, i've been away from my keyboard. things might be a little sporadic this month. (the word "sporadic" means once in a while. i learned that from clueless.)
on to the subject at hand, the something i can't live without. i've tried to live without lots of things. cigarettes, whiskey, G-d, family, boyfriend... and all of those things i've just listed are still in my life. the cigarettes need to go, it's true. i've quit before, and i'll quit again. but the magical trifecta of G-d, family, and boyfriend, that's my support system. these things in combination are what drive me to make my life better, to be kinder, to be more creative, to be unselfish at least sometimes. honestly, if i don't have my family, i'm single, and there is no G-d, why on earth would i be motivated to do anything good? everything i would become at that point would be self-serving and destructive. so, life gets lame when i try to live without just one piece of my trifecta- i need all three. (and really, even though smoking is bad, i think it's kept me from losing it a few times. if you've ever worked in the restaurant industry, you know what i mean.)

day 14: a hero that has let you down

i had to think a little about this one. i'm still hesitating as i type... because this one is about my dad. i love my dad. and, even though i still struggle with some of this stuff, his life isn't the same as it was. we have a pretty good relationship. i don't know that i can say he was ever my hero, exactly, but he's my dad. you know how you feel about your parents when you're little, right?
i had a pretty good childhood. nice, normal, church-going, middle-class, parents actually married to eachother. then, one day, when i was about eleven or twelve, i found out that i had a brother. my dad had been married before, and had a son. and i never knew he even existed. the reality of this was lost in the excitement of having a brother of my own. getting to meet him for the first time was incredible. he was so obviously my family.
a couple of years later, i found out there was another son. from another marriage. that was when it started to sink in... my dad didn't stay with those families.
now, i'm a single mom. and my dad hates my daughter's father for being an absentee pseudo father. obviously, with good reason. but inside i sometimes want to shout at him, you did it, too! you walked away, you deprived your sons of their father, and my sister and i of our brothers.
my dad has made a lot of mistakes, and so have i. i love him and i forgive him and i believe that he's been changed by some of his mistakes into a better man. but it still changed the way i see him.
gah, see why i didn't want to write this? i want to delete it. but i won't.

day 13: music or artist that has gotten you through some tough times

i don't even know where to start with this one. i could tell you my life story in music. it's been such a key part of my survival, of how i've related to others, of how i've seen myself.
i grew up listening to an odd mix. there was, of course, my parents' music. to this day, the music of santana, eric clapton, yes, and heart are, to me, real rock and roll. then throw in the fact that i grew up in the eighties. so we had the songs of madonna, prince, and george michael on the radio. my first cassette was debbie gibson, out of the blue. i still remember the choreography my sister and i made up for our favorite songs. to add another layer, i started playing violin when i was eight, so i listened to classical music, as well. not many preteens could tell you their top three favorite violinists. (itzhak perlman, shony alex braun, and isaac stern, in that order.) music was an important part of my life from the get-go.
i hit high school. i hadn't been much for the music my peers were listening to. i liked weezer and oasis and no doubt, but i didn't get the whole grunge thing. i thought kurt cobain was an ass. ( i think i was right about him.) and then two things happened: my loser first boyfriend dumped me, and my best friend introduced me to punk music. it changed everything. it. changed. everything.
from there, all the musical doors were open. i went through all kinds of phases, being obsessed with blondie, david bowie, radiohead, pavement, obscure music-snob bands. and they all got me through tough times.
kurt vonnegut said that when he died, he wanted his epitaph to say, "the only proof he needed for the existence of G-d was music."
he was right.

day 12: something i never get compliments on

i never get compliments on my music career. i never get compliments on my published works. i never get compliments on my organizational skills. why? i never did these things. they scare me. however, i have been stewing ideas for a book. i've been writing a song here and there. i've made a cleaning schedule for the whole family, which we sometimes actually follow. i sometimes wonder if i'm ever actually going to take the risks involved for me to do these things. ( i don't include being organized. that's not actually risky, just time-consuming.) i don't like rejection. i know, who does, right? i think really i just don't like feeling foolish. rejection makes me feel foolish. i need to start taking some risks. i'm not a natural risk-taker.

but i have been white-water rafting before. that was risky, right? maybe i can do this...

i'll never get compliments for the things i never attempt.

day 11: something people compliment you on the most.

compliments are not things i handle well. i never know what to say. the most common one when i would go to a bar is what nice eyes i have. my eyes are up here, buddy. most random, a guy once told me i have very pretty eyebrows. hm. i think he might have been gay. i get compliments on my tattoos. however, the compliments i hear most often are book/reading related. granted, i work in a bookstore. the newest robert jordan wheel of time book came out nov. 2nd. it is over 800 pages long. a couple days later i was done. "how on earth did you finish so fast?" i just couldn't stop reading! reading quickly doesn't feel like an accomplishment to me. it doesn't mean i'm smarter. at work, someone tells me they're looking for a certain book. i say, "oh, by blah-blah-blah. that's in classics, aisle 8." they say, "do you know every book in here? how do you remember that?" i remember because i answer the same questions a million times a day. alright, i do know alot about literature. it's just what i love. i really really really love books. all kinds. in a week, you may spot me reading the bfg (by roald dahl, the same guy who wrote charlie & the chocolate factory), a random book about theology, a huge geeky fantasy novel, pride & prejudice (jane austen), the brothers karamazov ( by dostoevsky), then bring it back around with some sleuthing with nancy drew (many authors, using the pseudonym carolyn keene.) i know literature because i bury myself in it. to me, it is the greatest adventure. also (because i've read fahrenheit 451 too many times) my way of exposing myself to ideas. i want to know i came to my beliefs on my own steam, and didn't have them fed to me by the tv, the internet, or the party line. i truly believe that when (notice i didn't say if) we release control of the written word to government or corporations, we will be relinquishing control of our very minds. reading is important to me because autonomy is important to me.

also, it's a free vacation to places like hogwarts, middle earth, and narnia.
so, if you have ever complimented me on my reading skills or my book knowledge, thank you. i don't feel like it's a talent of any kind. but thank you, anyway.

day 10: someone i need to let go, or wish i didn't know.

hm. i could get myself into trouble here. someone i wish i didn't know... it would be redundant to go on about the baby-daddy again. hm.
honestly, over the years i have simplified my life alot. the friends that were never really friends have fallen by the wayside. i've left behind the crappy co-workers, the bad boyfriends, even the hypocritical religious community. i still have some annoying people here and there. i have one co-worker who drives me up the wall. but, in reality, he could be a LOT worse, and i love him in spite of himself. i've got good friends, who love me as i am. i've got a great boyfriend. i found a church that is actually honest, and doesn't make me feel like a charity case. (you know, the whole "it's a single mother! we must SAVE her!" thing. gah.) all in all, i think i've cut out most of the dead weight in my life. it was a survival thing. i get depressed when i feel tired and emotionally drained. i can't afford to get depressed, because my daughter needs me. so i cleared out the things that were draining me. mostly. i think i'm doing alright.