day 15: someone or something you've tried to live without, and can't

to begin with, sorry for the delay in posting. what with holidays, work, preparing to move, et cetera, i've been AFK. do the kids still say that? in case you don't understand the archaic terms from back in the days of aol instant messenger, i've been away from my keyboard. things might be a little sporadic this month. (the word "sporadic" means once in a while. i learned that from clueless.)
on to the subject at hand, the something i can't live without. i've tried to live without lots of things. cigarettes, whiskey, G-d, family, boyfriend... and all of those things i've just listed are still in my life. the cigarettes need to go, it's true. i've quit before, and i'll quit again. but the magical trifecta of G-d, family, and boyfriend, that's my support system. these things in combination are what drive me to make my life better, to be kinder, to be more creative, to be unselfish at least sometimes. honestly, if i don't have my family, i'm single, and there is no G-d, why on earth would i be motivated to do anything good? everything i would become at that point would be self-serving and destructive. so, life gets lame when i try to live without just one piece of my trifecta- i need all three. (and really, even though smoking is bad, i think it's kept me from losing it a few times. if you've ever worked in the restaurant industry, you know what i mean.)

day 14: a hero that has let you down

i had to think a little about this one. i'm still hesitating as i type... because this one is about my dad. i love my dad. and, even though i still struggle with some of this stuff, his life isn't the same as it was. we have a pretty good relationship. i don't know that i can say he was ever my hero, exactly, but he's my dad. you know how you feel about your parents when you're little, right?
i had a pretty good childhood. nice, normal, church-going, middle-class, parents actually married to eachother. then, one day, when i was about eleven or twelve, i found out that i had a brother. my dad had been married before, and had a son. and i never knew he even existed. the reality of this was lost in the excitement of having a brother of my own. getting to meet him for the first time was incredible. he was so obviously my family.
a couple of years later, i found out there was another son. from another marriage. that was when it started to sink in... my dad didn't stay with those families.
now, i'm a single mom. and my dad hates my daughter's father for being an absentee pseudo father. obviously, with good reason. but inside i sometimes want to shout at him, you did it, too! you walked away, you deprived your sons of their father, and my sister and i of our brothers.
my dad has made a lot of mistakes, and so have i. i love him and i forgive him and i believe that he's been changed by some of his mistakes into a better man. but it still changed the way i see him.
gah, see why i didn't want to write this? i want to delete it. but i won't.

day 13: music or artist that has gotten you through some tough times

i don't even know where to start with this one. i could tell you my life story in music. it's been such a key part of my survival, of how i've related to others, of how i've seen myself.
i grew up listening to an odd mix. there was, of course, my parents' music. to this day, the music of santana, eric clapton, yes, and heart are, to me, real rock and roll. then throw in the fact that i grew up in the eighties. so we had the songs of madonna, prince, and george michael on the radio. my first cassette was debbie gibson, out of the blue. i still remember the choreography my sister and i made up for our favorite songs. to add another layer, i started playing violin when i was eight, so i listened to classical music, as well. not many preteens could tell you their top three favorite violinists. (itzhak perlman, shony alex braun, and isaac stern, in that order.) music was an important part of my life from the get-go.
i hit high school. i hadn't been much for the music my peers were listening to. i liked weezer and oasis and no doubt, but i didn't get the whole grunge thing. i thought kurt cobain was an ass. ( i think i was right about him.) and then two things happened: my loser first boyfriend dumped me, and my best friend introduced me to punk music. it changed everything. it. changed. everything.
from there, all the musical doors were open. i went through all kinds of phases, being obsessed with blondie, david bowie, radiohead, pavement, obscure music-snob bands. and they all got me through tough times.
kurt vonnegut said that when he died, he wanted his epitaph to say, "the only proof he needed for the existence of G-d was music."
he was right.

day 12: something i never get compliments on

i never get compliments on my music career. i never get compliments on my published works. i never get compliments on my organizational skills. why? i never did these things. they scare me. however, i have been stewing ideas for a book. i've been writing a song here and there. i've made a cleaning schedule for the whole family, which we sometimes actually follow. i sometimes wonder if i'm ever actually going to take the risks involved for me to do these things. ( i don't include being organized. that's not actually risky, just time-consuming.) i don't like rejection. i know, who does, right? i think really i just don't like feeling foolish. rejection makes me feel foolish. i need to start taking some risks. i'm not a natural risk-taker.

but i have been white-water rafting before. that was risky, right? maybe i can do this...

i'll never get compliments for the things i never attempt.

day 11: something people compliment you on the most.

compliments are not things i handle well. i never know what to say. the most common one when i would go to a bar is what nice eyes i have. my eyes are up here, buddy. most random, a guy once told me i have very pretty eyebrows. hm. i think he might have been gay. i get compliments on my tattoos. however, the compliments i hear most often are book/reading related. granted, i work in a bookstore. the newest robert jordan wheel of time book came out nov. 2nd. it is over 800 pages long. a couple days later i was done. "how on earth did you finish so fast?" i just couldn't stop reading! reading quickly doesn't feel like an accomplishment to me. it doesn't mean i'm smarter. at work, someone tells me they're looking for a certain book. i say, "oh, by blah-blah-blah. that's in classics, aisle 8." they say, "do you know every book in here? how do you remember that?" i remember because i answer the same questions a million times a day. alright, i do know alot about literature. it's just what i love. i really really really love books. all kinds. in a week, you may spot me reading the bfg (by roald dahl, the same guy who wrote charlie & the chocolate factory), a random book about theology, a huge geeky fantasy novel, pride & prejudice (jane austen), the brothers karamazov ( by dostoevsky), then bring it back around with some sleuthing with nancy drew (many authors, using the pseudonym carolyn keene.) i know literature because i bury myself in it. to me, it is the greatest adventure. also (because i've read fahrenheit 451 too many times) my way of exposing myself to ideas. i want to know i came to my beliefs on my own steam, and didn't have them fed to me by the tv, the internet, or the party line. i truly believe that when (notice i didn't say if) we release control of the written word to government or corporations, we will be relinquishing control of our very minds. reading is important to me because autonomy is important to me.

also, it's a free vacation to places like hogwarts, middle earth, and narnia.
so, if you have ever complimented me on my reading skills or my book knowledge, thank you. i don't feel like it's a talent of any kind. but thank you, anyway.

day 10: someone i need to let go, or wish i didn't know.

hm. i could get myself into trouble here. someone i wish i didn't know... it would be redundant to go on about the baby-daddy again. hm.
honestly, over the years i have simplified my life alot. the friends that were never really friends have fallen by the wayside. i've left behind the crappy co-workers, the bad boyfriends, even the hypocritical religious community. i still have some annoying people here and there. i have one co-worker who drives me up the wall. but, in reality, he could be a LOT worse, and i love him in spite of himself. i've got good friends, who love me as i am. i've got a great boyfriend. i found a church that is actually honest, and doesn't make me feel like a charity case. (you know, the whole "it's a single mother! we must SAVE her!" thing. gah.) all in all, i think i've cut out most of the dead weight in my life. it was a survival thing. i get depressed when i feel tired and emotionally drained. i can't afford to get depressed, because my daughter needs me. so i cleared out the things that were draining me. mostly. i think i'm doing alright.

day 9: someone you didn't want to let go, but just drifted.

hummm. honestly, i don't think this has ever happened to me. if i have drifted apart from someone, it was probably ( read definitely) by choice, and not just an accidental drifting. there have been times that i worried my best friend and i were drifting apart. we're both very busy. i have a school-aged child, a full-time job, and a boyfriend. she's got school, like, forty-three jobs, and a husband. add into that a two-year peace corps adventure (not mine) and the fact that our opinions on religion and politics differ a lot more than they used to. i sometimes thought that it was only a matter of time before we just had nothing in common. i was wrong.
for one thing, no matter what changes, we'll always have our history in common. we've gone through a lot of crap, and we've accepted each other in spite of it. also, i love her. when something bad happens to my friend, my heart gets all achy for her. she's always stood by my side, and i'll always stand by hers. we may not be meeting for lattes, or whatever it is girls do, but our friendship is immutable.
that said, if you feel like you haven't seen me in a while, i'm probably just busy. sorry. we'll get together for that latte soon, i promise. i just need to get ellie through school first.

day 8: someone who made my life hell...or treated me like shit.

for those who might be offended, there is a bit of swearing getting ready to happen.
i have a top two for this one. and it's super-cliche. one is an ex, and one is a baby-daddy.
number one, in no particular order: my first boyfriend ever. he was a jerk-face. he made me feel like i was ugly, stupid, and worthless. this guy told me i was fat. ( i weighed about 100 pounds at the time, if you can imagine it.) he would call me to tell me to work out. he told me what to eat. he told me who i could talk to. (no other guys, surprise, surprise.) he made fun of me, laughed at me for not knowing sexual terms that i hope to God my daughter doesn't know at 14. he also told me i ruined every song he liked by singing along with it. and i believed him. why? because i was young, and he told me he loved me. i didn't know people would say that if it wasn't true! worst wake up call ever. however, to tell you the truth, i've forgiven this guy. mostly. i hang on to the memory because i have a daughter, and i am TERRIFIED that someone might treat her that way.
number two asshole: ellie's dad. he is the biggest bastard in the world. if you've been in my life at all for the last ten years, you might know why, but here are a few highlights: when i called him to tell him i was pregnant, he told me that it just wasn't convenient for him. he didn't even f-ing meet ellie till she was TWO YEARS OLD. and when she was almost six, this unspeakably vile person decided to drag me, my daughter, and our entire family, through what is edging on a 4 year long custody battle. this started with him wanting full custody. then he settled for joint custody; we each had her every other week. then he just quit coming to get her. for months. he said he had the swine flu. then we arranged a setting for gradual visitation, and i had full custody. he was supposed to start paying child support, and make payments on his thousands of dollars of back child support. he picked ellie up for a few visits, then actually moved out of state. on a visitation day. without telling me. and without making a single payment, of course. and now he's back. and he wants to see her again. he says that would be what ellie wants. ellie wants a fucking dad, and you don't know how to be one, asshole.
that's probably enough of a rant. sorry. now i feel grumpy. maybe i need to do some kick-boxing or something.

day 7: someone who has made my life worth lving for

person number one in my life is my daughter. i really love her so much. not just because she's my kid and i have to, either. i'm telling you, she's got character. absolutely one of a kind. she's smart. she's funny. she's learning to express herself, and she's got a style all her own. all the other girls love hannah montana, but she thinks icarly is funnier. she likes to watch scary movies. she is a horribly picky eater, but she'll chow down on broccoli, apples, and edamame. she recently decided that she hates pink. she likes to wear things that don't exactly match so she'll look "punkish." but not TOO punkish. she thinks she's very grown up, but she still plays with her littlest pet shop toys in the bath tub. she is stubborn, argumentative, and a know-it-all, and she is the most precious thing in the world to me.
on the days where i'm feeling beat down, she is the reason i get out of bed. every good choice i ever made, i made for her.
person number two in my life is logan. he's the one who told me i was capable of making those choices. he pushes me to make my life better. when i was stuck in another waitressing job, coming home exhausted every night, he was the one who pushed me to get a better job. now he's the one who is pushing me to think about school again. also, he's down for the crazy ideas i come up with. i have him half-way convinced that we could make our own bio-diesel, and he gets excited about learning canning, and beekeeping, and candle-making...
my family makes my life worth living. they make me laugh, they wear me out, they make me try harder the next day. i'm a lucky one.

day 6: never ever gonna do it

being a mom, the first thing that comes to mind that i never want to have to do is bury my child. obviously, this would kill me. it's the thing that i think would make it impossible to keep breathing in and out. but because it's obvious, we'll discuss the OTHER thing i won't do.
i don't ever want to go through a divorce. i'm not saying i think divorce is evil, or that divorced people don't love Jesus. but i know it's hard to parent when you're going through something like that. you end up acting like a teenager sometimes. and i won't do it. now, i can hear you thinking, " sarah, don't you have to be married first? why are you worried about divorce, single girl?" but here's the deal: i'm a single MOM. i've had more than my fair share of relationships as a mom. and some of them have been marriage-minded men. you'd think i'd be grateful for the chance to settle down and be "normal." but my daughter is already a member of the messed up family club. when i settle down, i've gotta be sure. i've gotta pick somebody who is willing to do the hard, messy, and sometimes un-fun work of holding a family together. even when we're not feeling loving. yes, i know everyone tries to do that. but it's harder to let the standard slide even a little when i have ellie holding me accountable. fortunately, i think i'm in that relationship. he's not a perfect guy, but he loves me and my daughter. and we've done some tough work on our lives together. he's my best friend, and he'll help ellie with her homework.
now, he just needs to propose...

day 5: my best laid plans

what do i want to do with my life? this is something of a constant question these days. i want to go back to school, i want to write a book, i want to be able to retire before 65, i want to run in a marathon, i want to quit smoking, i want to buy a house, i want to get maaaarrried. but really, i just wanna get out of here.
i think my friend dorn covered traveling on day 5, as well. but i'm going to get specific, and tell you the three trips i HAVE to take. first, i want to take my whole family to washington d.c. i went there in eighth grade for a class trip, and i've wanted to go back ever since. i want my daughter to see it. i'd like to take my mom. i wish that everyone could go there and spend a few days exploring.
second, i want to take a train trip. anywhere, really, but i'd like to see europe, the u.k., even some of the parts of my own country where i haven't been. i just want it to be on a train. because i have watched white christmas too many times, and read too many agatha christie novels.
third, i want to go to Israel. i mean, i really really want to go. i kinda want to move there, maybe later in life. i get a little choked up just thinking about it. America is my country and i love her, but Eretz Yisrael has my heart.
i just hope i can make it happen.

day 4: i need to forgive others, you guys.

today i'm supposed to discuss something i need to forgive someone else for. pardon the bad grammar, i didn't write the list :) i'm not going to discuss ex-boyfriends or the baby-daddy, cause, hey, i'm not so cliche. besides, i've forgiven the former, and latter is SOL. so, who do i need to forgive? hang on, we're about to get messy.
i need to forgive my family for being a bunch of basket-cases. i'm not speaking of anyone specific, because this covers ALL my extended family. on both sides. some of them are petty, gossipy, and stubborn. hey, so am i. one in particular has disowned me, and has never even met my daughter. that's a tough one to let go. but does staying resentful affect him at all? no, it only affects me. sounds melodramatic, but i think my bitterness damages my soul. so, i've been making an effort to let it go. i NEED a family. aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, i need you all. not like we need to chat on the phone for hours, or meet for coffee once a week. but that network is important. i've got a friend and church family. but having broken relationships with my blood family is lame. if any of you happen to read this, i really do love you. we've all spent too much time judging each other, picking our family apart. i miss you. even if we don't seem to have anything at all in common, we're family. and surely that counts for more than all the other stuff we've put in between us.

day 3: something for which i need to forgive myself

oh, here we go. i need to forgive myself for being a bad mom. i'm talking big mistakes, and little ones, here. little ones like not being patient enough, or letting her eat breakfast in the car on the way to school; big ones like letting depression debilitate me so much that i let her go live with my mom for a while. the fact that the big ones ever happened makes it even harder to forgive myself for the little ones. i know that i'm a pretty good mom NOW. i cook healthy food, encourage her to be herself, force her to turn the tv off and read a book, take her to church ( albeit a very laid back church named after a place in lord of the rings), play beatles records but still let her watch camp rock... but because i've messed up in something big, i beat myself up about every little thing. i need to get over it and just do my best.

grrr. day 2. blech.

so day two of the blog-a-thon is supposed to be something i love about myself. this is not something i like discussing. i think i'm nice. i think i have a good sense of humor. i think i'm fairly cute, and have nice eyes. i'm a decent singer, can read fast, and have a pretty good vocabulary. none of these things do i absolutely LOVE about myself. why is this such a problem for me? okay, okay, i'll try.

the thing i love about myself is my ability to love. my life would be lousy if i didn't have a deep and unreasonable urge to love people no matter what. complete strangers that i don't really have to get close to, friends, family, daughter, boyrfriend, all these people make my life messy when they get close enough for me to love them really hard. what's more, i should know better by now. when you love people, they can hurt you horribly. but my heart does it anyway. and that's kind of a wonder, isn't it?

i know, really sappy. and it's about to get worse: i only know how to love because Y'shua loved me first.

the thing i hate about me:

so, i am copying off of my friend's blog. a few days ago, he said he was doing this 30-day challenge sort of thing, a self-inspecting blog-a-thon. after reading a few days of it, i thought, hey! this could be interesting. and so, i shall copy it.

this is the list of all the topics:

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down.
Day 15 → Something or someone you tried to live without, and can't.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → Your best friend is in a car accident right after you two fight. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

so, let's just dive right in. something i hate about myself. there are lot's of things i don't like, but the thing i absolutely hate? the root of all the evil in my life? my pride. i am a very very very proud person. i have problems, but i don't want you to see them. i may need help with something, but i won't ask for it. i would rather fail on my own than succeed by admitting there's a problem. i will keep arguing just to win. i have held together a lousy, even harmful, relationship because i couldn't admit that i was wrong about the guy. there are things i have wanted to do with my life that i never even attempted, because i didn't want to be seen failing if it didn't work.

what's the cure for such an awful flaw? for me, it's been my daughter. when i first had her, i was a young, single mom. growing up in a very religious community, and with pre-supposed notions about single mothers in my own mind, i felt i had a lot to prove. i had to convince everyone i could be a great mom on my own. which was stupid. i didn't let people help me. i didn't let people see that i was struggling, that i was depressed and lonely. i had to learn the hard way. i am still learning the hard way. ellie is more important than my pride. i will use every resource available to make sure her life is the best i can make it. my family, my friends, my church, instead of being people i have to prove myself to, are people who want to help me. i have to remind myself of this, deliberately, every day. i still hold back. i still put a good face on my problems so people won't worry too much. my life would be better if i were more honest.

but i'm working on it.