the thing i hate about me:

so, i am copying off of my friend's blog. a few days ago, he said he was doing this 30-day challenge sort of thing, a self-inspecting blog-a-thon. after reading a few days of it, i thought, hey! this could be interesting. and so, i shall copy it.

this is the list of all the topics:

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down.
Day 15 → Something or someone you tried to live without, and can't.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → Your best friend is in a car accident right after you two fight. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

so, let's just dive right in. something i hate about myself. there are lot's of things i don't like, but the thing i absolutely hate? the root of all the evil in my life? my pride. i am a very very very proud person. i have problems, but i don't want you to see them. i may need help with something, but i won't ask for it. i would rather fail on my own than succeed by admitting there's a problem. i will keep arguing just to win. i have held together a lousy, even harmful, relationship because i couldn't admit that i was wrong about the guy. there are things i have wanted to do with my life that i never even attempted, because i didn't want to be seen failing if it didn't work.

what's the cure for such an awful flaw? for me, it's been my daughter. when i first had her, i was a young, single mom. growing up in a very religious community, and with pre-supposed notions about single mothers in my own mind, i felt i had a lot to prove. i had to convince everyone i could be a great mom on my own. which was stupid. i didn't let people help me. i didn't let people see that i was struggling, that i was depressed and lonely. i had to learn the hard way. i am still learning the hard way. ellie is more important than my pride. i will use every resource available to make sure her life is the best i can make it. my family, my friends, my church, instead of being people i have to prove myself to, are people who want to help me. i have to remind myself of this, deliberately, every day. i still hold back. i still put a good face on my problems so people won't worry too much. my life would be better if i were more honest.

but i'm working on it.